Hello to all my lovely readers! I hope you’re all well.
I went on an amazing weekend retreat with my church Eternity (Now Family Church Guildford) this weekend and I learnt so many things which I would love to share with you. Our theme for the weekend was ‘Hearing from God’ which I will cover in another post. In this post I really want to relay what I learned about relationships during our Q & A session.
The relationship talk was particularly relevant to me as I’ve had my own experience of relationships and I wanted a clearer understanding of what God wants for me in terms of relationships, what I could learn from my past and how I could embrace being single (at the time) whilst keeping in mind that there is someone chosen by God for me. I’ve tried to break it down into subheadings so it reads well, there is soooo much more that I want to say but it will be too long, so hopefully there will be a part 2 to this blog post at a later date. I must say that these are my opinions based on my experiences and with topics like these there are sometimes no right or wrong answers, so it really is down to what God is telling you 🙂
Godly relationships?
Young Christians should desire Godly relationships, whether it is a platonic friendship or a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship.
In a Godly relationship, both of you aim and help to build up each others relationship with God and put Him at the centre right from the beginning. A boyfriend or girlfriend should never detract you from your personal relationship with God, they should enhance it! If the latter is not fulfilled then a whole lot of thinking needs to be done, because your relationship with God should not be compromised for anyone or anything.
They should put God before you and love God more than they love you. You should see Christ-like attributes in their lifestyle, not just when they are around you, but when they are with their friends, in novel settings and on social media << this is so key in our generation!
They should be committed to growing in their relationship with the Lord. Do not take a relationship as a discipleship project or flirt to convert!
Lust or A genuine attraction?
We are human beings and we have drives of attraction but it is important to distinguish between lust and genuine attraction. A new understanding of their differences was revealed to me during the student weekend away;
Lust is about getting your needs met, it is a selfish desire driven by the need to satisfy self. Lust shows very little regard for the person that you are lusting after. Though it may appear that you hold them in high esteem, lust is not the appropriate way to express that.
Genuine attraction is the opposite, of course there will be a physical attraction but a genuine attraction that stems into love, is about your desire to see the other person fulfil their dreams and being the best they can be coupled with your enthusiasm to be part of it to help them in any way.
Will I marry the person I am dating…?
It is not definite that you will marry the person you are dating, courting or are even engaged to. Being a Christian doesn’t even increase the probability of this to be honest. I’ve known some couples to separate weeks before the wedding date. I’ve known some couples who separated and then came back together in God’s good time. Sometimes God allows you to experience relationships to learn for the future, having said that I do not believe it is an endorsement to blindly enter relationships in the name of ‘gaining experience’. Moreover, because of the fact that you may not be marrying the person you are dating, it is imperative that you should avoid being sexually intimate with someone else’s ‘potential’ spouse because that leads to a whole load of issues.
As a single woman you are someone else’s wife, already foreordained to meet your husband in God’s time; therefore you should not be compromised. Likewise with our men, as a single man you are someone else’s husband, already foreordained to meet your wife in God’s time; therefore you should not be compromised.
Pre-dating stage?
It is important to be friends for obvious reasons. Getting to know the person and following the previous point, if they are not the person you are going to marry surely your friendship can be sustained (at times loool)?
Just a note for the females, it is sooo important that we don’t get carried away with our minds and start thinking about wedding bells during the early days. Solomon 8:4 ‘Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires’.
Complacency?
I was speaking to a friend over lunch and we both came to the conclusion that Complacency is a MASSIVE killer of relationships. We’re in a generation whereby we want things the easy way, we don’t want to break too much of a sweat. In a relationship it is important not to get complacent and think that you’re sorted now that you have a girlfriend or a boyfriend. They are not a trophy, just there for decoration, you need to maintain that same ‘genuine feeling of attraction’. AND if you are not ready to make an effort be real with the other person because it is absolutely unfair to them. KNOW YOUR WORTH, if you are not getting what you deserve please do not be a mugu and remain there. If the complacency is due to other commitments such as your career, academics, family affairs, then don’t get in a relationship if you cannot juggle them – SIMPLE… but believe me there is a time you will have to juggle them…MARRIAGE. Bruno Mars song When I was your man is so relevant looool 🙂
Wise Counsel?
‘The godly offer good counsel; they teach right from wrong’ , Psalms 37:30. I wanted to share this by reinforcing the fact that we should be careful of who we take advice from, whether it is related to family, relationships your academics. Seek those who not only have your best interest at heart, but they should be rooted in Christ! Anyone can give you advice, but sound and effective advice comes from those who God uses as vessels to utter His wisdom! When you receive advice pray about it and more importantly when you give advice pray for direction!
Feeling Pressured?
Do not feel pressured to get into a relationship just because everyone else is in one. Value the time when it is just you and God and don’t get to that detrimental stage when all that consumes your prayer life and mind is about you wanting a relationship. What more can I add to that?
THE BOTTOM LINE IS:
Your significance in life comes through Christ, not through being in a relationship,
Your security should be placed in Christ before any other person,
Christ accepts you because of who you are, not because you are someone’s boyfriend or girlfriend.
If you’re single…embrace it. If you’re In a relationship enjoy and learn from it.
Thank you for reading! God bless you!
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I 1000% agree with everything you have written! You’re 19 right? Yet sooo wise, keep them coming and I look forward to reading part 2 🙂
Thank you Jenny! I’ll try my best not to keep you waiting for too long for part 2! God Bless you x
Reblogged this on A Prestigious Mind and commented:
I wanted to discuss this area at one point, but my sister in Christ has got this area covered. Hope you are blessed by this like I have!
Reblogged this on allthingszion and commented:
Just what I needed…
Hi!
“Just a note for the females, it is sooo important that we don’t get carried away with our minds and start thinking about wedding bells during the early days. Solomon 8:4 ‘Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires’.”
Would that not naturally extend then to dating with no serious intention of dating for marriage? Is it not the case then that for one to get into a dating relationship with the real potential and present reality for the awakening of love – with no intention to seek a husband/wife as opposed to a boyfriend/girlfriend – that such a one is indeed risking the arousing of love or acting upon it with an almost tacit concession that this probably won’t lead anywhere?
It simply means do not over think things and get carried away. Females think differently to males, we tend to place a lot more on a relationship than is needed.
Relationships with the end goal of ‘marriage’ ought to be expressed by both parties! In most case that I’ve been aware of, the female places more importance on this than males. My comment just addresses this so that we are not misled or heartbroken.
I understand and agree our minds do work differently.
So would you say that the end goal expression should be simply mutually agreed upon at (or near to) the start, but conversely if the decision that it will not lead to marriage is also agreed on would that not be to knowingly (as opposed to unwittingly) place oneself at the wrong end of the Solomonic warning?
Precisely 🙂
Loved this!
Hi Kanayo
This is good stuff, but just a few points to add…
As women, or young people in general, we need to be careful that we don’t only date someone who we think we will marry – the whole point of dating is that it is a chance to get to know someone better, and to know through that whether they are someone you want to marry. If we only date people we already know we would marry, that puts a lot of pressure on the relationship, and also makes us less likely to date!
You also commented that women think differently to men – I agree! But we as women also need to be careful that we don’t get carried away with thinking that God has a husband ready for us, and be careful that we’re not sitting waiting for that time. Some women never marry, and if we are one of those ladies, we can’t live in waiting, or end up disappointed with God that he hasn’t provided a husband, but instead, as you said, must be completely satisfied in our singleness and looking only to God rather than to a future husband 🙂
I agree with you Sophie!
I did have a heading titled ‘will I marry the person I’m dating’ which addresses your first point.
Timely message…and yes I am compelled to agree on that point of some relationships being solely for experience…although I didn’t set out in life for that, but life has a way of teaching us. You hit the nail on the head as regards godly advice and counsel.
Thanks