This post is a debrief for those who watched or missed the ‘instalive’ with the one and only Rev Wonu, founder and leader of Eleuthera Ministry on the topic: Daddy Issues! You can watch the replay via YouTube (videos are embedded at the end of this post).
Daddy issues; issues that stem from the physical or emotional absence of a father. These issues range from being physical, emotional and spiritual.
‘When two elephants fight it is the grass that suffers’.
Children become collateral damage in a broken marriage (relationship).
Our mother and father are our templates for future relationships. If that template is dysfunctional then our template and expectations for the future become dysfunctional. Hence the cycle of children from a broken home, exhibiting the same characteristics that damaged their parents’ relationship.
‘I don’t want to be like my dad’
Some men focus so much on not being like their dad…but neglect to focus on ‘becoming’. They can judge the negative traits in their father but not recognise it in their own life. How can your prince charming turn to your prince harming…?
Biological impact…
The absence of a father can alter a child’s DNA to be predisposed to certain ailments and cognitive behavioural tendencies; such as aggression, attention deficit, anxiety (Mitchell et al., 2017). It is safe to agree that some of the health issues that we experience as adults stem from what we have experienced as children. Imagine children growing up in the terror of conflict between the people that should represent harmony, collaboration, community here on earth. Of course, such a harsh environment makes it more viable for producing children who go onto be fearful, broken, socially and emotionally traumatised, physically deprived adults!
‘We have to learn from our nonsense…Don’t let what your parents did affect your future’.
HONOUR is the word.
Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee. – Exodus 20:12
This honouring (Exodus 20:12) this is outside of my emotions and my feelings…it is tied to my longevity and my legacy.
My honour for my dad is not based on him being honourable. It is based on the fact that he too is a child of God. He has been given a position of ‘honour’ in my life; whether undeservedly or deservedly. I honour him for his position and not for his performance.
You may have a reason for being upset, but don’t let your reason become an excuse to mortgage your future. Break the cycle by showing honour because your life depends on it! (Read my post: where is your honour?)
‘Honour is outside of your emotions. Honour for your legacy’.
Could it be that we are capping our blessing due to a lack of honour?
‘Honour is as much a kingdom principle as humility. Don’t try to humble people by being dishonourable and don’t try to force honour by being arrogant’.
In a relay race, once you receive the ‘baton’ you need to run with it. You don’t stop the race because you aren’t happy with the way you received it.
‘Pain can act as a midwife to push out your potential’
Positives of my (Kanayo) experience with daddy issues was developing a sheer determination, leadership and drive to be a game-changer. The ability to be a demolisher of man’s statistic was birthed through my pain.
‘God is not a man’
He is without flaw, failure, abandonment and disappointment. We dare not hold God to the earthly standard of Fatherhood, rather, earthly men ought to be held to heavenly standards.
‘Don’t look at earth to describe heaven’…’ ‘We can’t look at the temporary to understand the eternal’
‘We can’t use our earthly fathers to define or completely understand our heavenly Father’.
God is not like your Dad. Abba Father is the giver of Life. Don’t use the receiver to understand The Giver.
‘Waiting for the sorry to begin the process of healing’
Don’t wait for an apology to extend grace. You don’t have the right to wait for an apology. Jesus died and laid it all down for you before you even knew you were in sin and certainly before any apology. If you believe Jesus died for your sins, your right to remain offended is cancelled!
You have to wrestle with that desire to stay offended. Staying offended and waiting for an apology will do absolutely nothing for your legacy. (Read my post: No apology)
‘Don’t go through it by yourself’
Seek wisdom and counsel. In the multitude of counsellors, there is safety. You don’t have all the answers, or the methods of how to deal with daddy issues, mummy issues, family issues. Ask for help in processing what you have been through.
‘Dethrone, deconstruct your idea what the perfect man looks like’
Oftentimes, our experience of heartbreak with men reflects our experience of heartbreak with our father.
Build up correct biblical expectations of what a man ought to look like.
‘It’s above me’
Let us not repeat the same errors as our parents. The red flags are there not to entice you but to redirect you. (Read my post: Hearts may break but they also heal)
‘Our legacy is tied to our decisions’
No matter how small the decision may be, ask yourself; is this decision I’m making going to contribute towards my eternal destiny.
‘Lord, let Thy will be done and my own will be scattered’
Practical reconciliation
- Don’t start with accusations.
- Start by restoring fellowship. In fellowship, there can be effective communication.
- Forgiveness should not be based on a ‘sorry’.
- ‘Sow the seeds you want to see’. Teach that person how to love you. You want that person to check on you, do you check on them’. You want them to love you, are you loving on them’.
- Fellowship helps relationship
‘Be prepared for rejection’
Some fathers are unable to self-regulate and lack the interpersonal quality of being able to understand the impact of their actions.
‘Forgive and forgive again’
Memories don’t die. Memories are not cancelled when you forgive. A true sign of forgiveness is; even when you remember their faults and offence, you say in your heart and to your mind, ‘His grace is bigger than what you did to me and how you made me feel’. (Read my post: The psychology of forgiveness)
‘You can forgive retrospectively’
If your dad has passed on and you feel like you weren’t able to forgive them while they were alive, you can forgive retrospectively, by bringing to remembrance the offence, the hurt, the pain and forgiving them through that memory.
‘Look at you now, you’re fine’
We self-silence our emotions because we feel that people can’t handle it, because our daddy couldn’t handle our disclosure of the deep wounds that his absence caused. We hide behind ‘I’m fine’ while feeling rejected and abandoned. This must end.
‘Healing hurts…’
Allow Abba Father, the Fatherhood of God to rid you the feeling of abandonment, rejection and loss of identity.
God allows the hurt of healing to make you whole. sometimes you get so used to the pain, that you fear the pain that comes through the healing of that pain. We fear what the healing process will look like so we choose to remain in that pain (like Kanayo when she didn’t want to get her unwise wisdom tooth removed for fear of the painful process lool).
God’s way of healing can be through pushing us to forgive.
Forgiveness can be painful, but it is so freeing.
References
Mitchell, C., McLanahan, S., Schneper, L., Garfinkel, I., Brooks-Gunn, J., & Notterman, D. (2017). Father Loss and Child Telomere Length. Pediatrics, 140(2). https://pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/140/2/e20163245
