I’ll share my journey of heart break, healing and the lessons learned.
This will probably be one of my most poignant posts, but it has been a long time coming. After sharing my story and the tough lessons learned with other men and women, who were so encouraged, I was reminded that it is time.
So this time last year (February 2015) I was in what I thought was my ‘true love moment’. I was engaged. I had all the attention. I was happy. I thought I had it made, my life was on course. My plan was happening. I had the relationship that many admired from afar and desired. I was ‘goals’ loool. Now I look back and laugh at how naive and unmeasured I was!
Anyways, fast forward to 6 months of being engaged, while I loved and shared some incredible moments, a lot had been exposed to both of us in terms of character, attitudes, behaviours and there were things that we perhaps didn’t think about before getting caught up in the whole euphoria being engaged, akin to the unspoken pressures of a ‘public relationship’. The pretense is hard to keep up when you are literally hurting inside and I had to make a decision to acknowledge my worth and what I deserved before any public opinion. It is very easy to blame the guy when a relationship breaks down, but I’m a firm believer that there are things that both parties could have done better, so disclaimer…this is not a bashing post.
So, after another 6 months of healing and fully enjoying the work that God has done in me, I will share some of the lessons whilst maintaining sensitivity on the matter, by throwing out some questions for you to consider when in a relationship, or prior to entering one. I have also embedded some videos to answer the many questions that I’ve received on the topic!
Character in tough situations
What is a person like outside of their sanctified environment? What are they like in tough situations? How do they react when angry or upset? What is their fruit harvest like? Is an apple tree trying to convince you that they are an orange tree?…By their fruits ye shall know them. Can you comfortably describe them or yourself as being loving, kind, gentle, faithful, joyful, patient and crown it all with self-control? Even when things go wrong, are they repentant? Is the Word of God a mere accessory or is it their life? Are they ONE? As in, are they consistent, champions of integrity, one who fights for their character to remain sound in all situations?
What you tolerate in courtship is what you can expect in marriage
There are key characteristics of a person that cannot be missed but are often ignored in the name of love. Love cannot afford to be blind, because as my mentor once told me ‘marriage is a magnifier’. Love is visible, there is no mystery to it, scripture is very plain concerning what love is (ref: 1 Corinthians 13, 1 John 1). The notion of ‘red flags’ and ‘deal breakers’ is incredibly important, if there is something that you are not happy with in a relationship, then flag it up, do not ignore it. You cannot afford to marry a persons potential over their reality, once you have seen it, you must decide if you are willing to live with it forever.
Amos 3:3 | Choices reveal their heart
Have you agreed on key PRACTICAL decisions such as where to fellowship when married, surnames, family location? Are you willing to meet each other and then agree to walk together? Or is there an imbalance, do you feel like your thoughts on serious matters are not being considered? Finally, what are your beliefs, you’d be surprised that Christians have an array of beliefs and stances on certain matters (annoying…I know), so are your doctrinal beliefs congruent or nah?
For the ladies: Will they choose you? Fight for you? Pursue you?
love covers a multitude of sins…but it will also expose it
Psalm 139:23-24 KJV
I had to be honest with myself that I fell short. I had let God down by giving my body away prematurely. Again the euphoria of lust conflated with ‘love’. This idea that my body was the only measure of love was something that I had to confront. I could no longer hide under the guise of a relationship supposedly ordained by God, be speaking about God, yet breaking His heart in this way. Hearts may break, but they also heal and I had to start by saying, Lord I am sorry and I repent for the way I have broken your heart. Sometimes you have to do this alone. Your partner may not understand your desire to abstain. But you have to choose to delight in God over momentary premature pleasure.
Be measured with what you share | Public Opinions
Goshhh! This one is huge for our generation. I am naturally a ‘sharer’ I love sharing my journey, I love seeing others encouraged by it. But it is so important to be measured. Sometimes I deep the fact that my previous relationship was public right from the beginning through to its end. I cannot lie, the shame of a public broken relationship was overwhelming. Its one thing being heartbroken, its another thing having to go through that process publicly. Overall, people were really kind and supportive, with the occasional troll, gossip etc. The major lesson is that whatever you put out there is open to public opinion and scrutiny. Be prepared for that. People will coerce you into staying in something that you no longer have peace about. Don’t be a slave to man’s opinions. Be a slave to God’s word and what He says is FOR you.
Take time to Heal & Show Honour
I had to take time out to really heal. There were times I would go into work and get so emotional, I would cry and then be angry at myself because I vowed never to cry for a guy (during my anti-men days lool). I knew that I hadn’t really taken my heart, my pain, my anger at myself, before God. I put up a facade just to push through the day and before I knew it, I started habouring ugly bitterness which I must admit came out in some shady tweets *covers face*.
Stoney hearts won’t heal. This is why you need to give over that heart to God and let Him give you a heart of flesh. (Ezekiel 36:26). What does that look like practically? Be real with God and about the emotions that you try so hard to hide. Allow His word to expose your emotions and bring you back to His standard (Psalm 139:23:24). Open yourself up to receive His perfect love that perfects you! And if you allow yourself to be soaked in God’s love, embrace the healing process, don’t rush it, you will come out so much better (Read: In the strong woman). Take time away from everything, take your hurt before God and ask Him to show you how to love and show honour to those who have hurt you so deeply. I’ll paraphrase something that My sister Tav shared through a similar experience (she is amazing btw).
‘Honour is always a choice. It has to be done outside of your feelings of hurt. Honour means relating to someone according to his or her God-given identity. Honour refuses to reduce people to their mistakes, shortcomings, [“aliases”] that hide their true identity and worth.’
Have a deep support system
Don’t go through it alone. Have your confidants and your spiritual leaders to counsel you. They will lovingly rebuke you when you (want to) act out. They will lovingly encourage you when they see you moving forward. They will constantly speak life over you and your future. In the multitude of counsellors there is safety (Proverbs 11:14). I take this time to appreciate my support system, from my Queen Mama, Pastors, mentors, sisters, brothers, friends and even those that don’t know me so well but still reached out to me. I thank you and may God bless you with your heart’s desire according to His perfect will. May He open up His hand in your lives and satisfy you with good things (Psalm 104:7-8).
I’ve been loved and neglected. I’ve given myself to falsehood. I’ve let myself down and definitely been humbled in it all. I’ve had my moments of deep sadness and shame. Yet, I know this one thing ‘love never fails’. I am still ready to love, I still choose to be that woman who loves fiercely and passionately. I refuse to turn back on love because I had a few bad experiences. People may have failed at loving me, I may have failed at loving myself and loving them. But perfect love never fails. God never fails.
Totally needed that! God continue to bless and strengthen you.
Thank you for sharing, your faith and strength is very inspiring x
Great post girl!! I would like to first commend you for sharing your experience, its not easy sharing a break- up to the public and you did that with the intention of helping and encouraging others who might be in a stuck/ toxic relationship or any other type of relationship that they know might not lead to the altar. You are a strong beautiful woman of God and what you are doing i.e. impacting lives. God will definitely bless you for it. I have admired you from afar lol. Keep sharing and spreading the gospel.
This blessed me oh so much! God bless you x
Very insightful, very thought provoking, very encouraging and liberating
So proud of you KK….Beauty and Brain!
You’re very brave. I see Gods fatherhood in ensuring His princess learns but isn’t punished forever.
I really wish we could get time to share though but cheers to a future happily ever after written by heaven.
Kanayo nwachinemere!!!!!!!!!!!!! God loves you sis! Beautiful piece. Just keep looking forward ok….the rest of this year shall be prolific for you!
Aaawww this was so needed!
“A woman’s heartbreak is so real and long and poignant I find. It could just be me. But when I’m healed….Nothing can make me return.”
We gone through the fire but coming out gold💪🏾💪🏾 bless you K. xoxo I love you
Dear Kanayo,
Trust you are well! I was really excited reading this post. I had earlier requested for your email address after I saw a few of your tweets but I thought against sending you an email after I prayed about it. I thought it would be best for you to heal in your own time. I am grateful to God that He has taken you through this process and produced a really strong woman out of you. Truth is, we may never why you made the choices you did but I am sure God understands perfectly. I’ve had to call of a major relationship and I know how much it took me to come out of the heartbreak. It could only take God to heal me. But in those times, I held on to Him like crazy and He came through for me. I am happy you have taken out time to heal your own way and I pray for you that God will hold your hand through this season and lead you to make the right marital choice in accordance with His will.
My prayers are with you dear. God bless you!
Love!
Some true heart lessons. ” A stony heart cannot heal” Love the transparency. Bless you Kanayo
I loved this post ,it’s so easy to settle and just accept things , but as a Christian we need to constantly ask ourselves is this edifying God? Are we equally yolked? LOVED THIS , You are amazing onwards and upwards!
This is your best blog piece !
The realist and an engaging piece. I enjoyed reading the poetry at the end. 💯👌🏽
A lot of life lessons learnt.
I’m glad to see you healed, healthy, happy, whole and moving to higher heights!
Rise to Prominence!
My sis and my fellow Pioneer! 💯💯🙏🏽🙏🏽👌🏽👌🏽🙌🏾🙌🏾
I am going through this right now. Had to revisit this post. I pray God grants me strenght to go through this. I am in so much pain. I feel I’ve let myself down and I pray for forgiveness. God bless you.
This is lovely! Thank you for being so open God bless xx
Beautifully poised 🙂
You’ve reinforced the importance of maintaining a healthy heart before God through the expression of true feelings.
God Bless you.
Thank you for sharing. It is a very moving post, it gives hope and strength to those who are going through a process of healing. God bless the work of your hand & I pray that He will rearrange your path & prosper you.
God bless you for your honesty and sharing your story and lessons.Its very easy to stay in something that’s not working especially in this generation where everything is so exposed and the thought of the shame and judgement that comes with a public breakup.I needed to hear this🙌🏾 xo
Kanayo,you are truely a strong and valiant young woman..Thanks for the encouragement…
Honestly love, I couldn’t have said this any better. Seriously, this time last year for me I was also engaged. I have learnt so much in the past 6 months. It’s so true hearts may break but they definitely heal. I am much stronger, wiser and closer to whom I was called to be than ever before. I honestly love your transparency, it has been so encouraging for me through my walk also.
I love this so Much thank.you for sharing your testimony!!!!
God bless you Kanayo. I know a lot of growth and fruits will come from this journey. xx
God continue to strengthen you Kanayo, honestly God is using you in ways you can’t even imagine. Stay on this path. Much love xx
I am encouraged by you sharing your challenges for everyone ,especially for the young up and comming men and women out there. As Believers we go through various challenges and God wants to use our chalenges, our heartbreak to heal others . Yours is very special because it was admired by a lot of people , but in all things we must give God thanks , and this would build your faith more than ever before, . The lord is equipping you “for such a time as this “. I have gone through worse situations as a young growing up beutiful , talented woman , But could not share my story , my journey until I was in 50 yrs young. Lol. So my dear give God the glory for the opportunity if I can put it that way. Please be strong and courageous for God is on your side. I love you my wonderful lady kanayo. Xxxx
Wow
Wasn’t even aware of this until now. You have been a big inspiration to me and will continue to be. Much love xx
What a amazing blog post your such a strong woman. God continue to bless you throughout your hard work
Not an easy piece to write at all. I salute your courage. I really admire you and all you stand for. God bless you as you continue being who He has made you to be. Love never ever fails, and it will find you.
Peace and love.
Yes, hearts can heal! Time doesn’t heal all wounds, it’s what you do with that time that heals all wounds. Thank you for the transparency. Through your nakedness others may be healed. Keep up the great work
Ur story is amazing, making me realise that hatred is too great a bureden to bear–i’ve decieded to stick to love
This piece stands out, and speaks to me personally.I had similar experience as you Kanayo,around September last year.we seemed perfect together,Lawyer and Doctor,she was brilliant and super pretty, together all through uni days.both parents knew about d relationship.she received Christ through me and seemed like sm1 who would grow,but sadly actions wouldn’t line up with faith In times when the stakes are really high, but I supported her as a younger Christian.I was always a very passionate about Christ all through,was in the prayer team all through,but it all got revealed fully when the Lord gave me an errand for some University outreach,she revealed her fear for my level of passion for Christ and sadly couldn’t take it anymore.the whole break-up was excruciatingly painful(it still is BTW,but not as bad).In painful situations like this we have to be nice,Honourable,loving and patient no matter the other party’s conduct or demeanour.the fires of purification would burn some people off.we must move on with focus and faith trusting God who would always make it all make sense in the near future.encouragement from a male perspective to all in same shoes.
Wow thank you for sharing this
Reblogged this on melodies of summer and commented:
Too beautiful. right from the heart and all true too!
Your courage and kindness has been a gift to us all Kanayo. Thank you x
❤️❤️ thank YOU
I needed this! God bless you x
The realist post I’ve ever read!!!!